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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This journey will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.